Thoughts
by arwydd123
Summary: Ste/Brendan Hoping this will be long term as I'd like to write a chapter based on each episode, showing the thoughts of each character involved in the storyline. Tried to keep it canon with the show. Starts from the evening of the interrupted 'night in'.


**This first chapter is based on the E4 28/02/11 episode. Not a fan of Rae but you don't see much stuff around written in her POV so I thought it would be interesting to write. Sorry if it's actually not, or if it's not particularly canon but I tried my best haha. This chapter is rated M for language. **

…

**Rae's POV**

Today's been alright. It's kind of misty outside, but somehow the fact that my head the past few days has been a bit clearer given that I've not seen Brendan recently, is making it seem as though it's actually sunny.

I make my way across the street…Oh there's Ste. Who's he talking to?

"Pete, new Head of Hollyoaks High", he says and shakes my hand firmly.

Well he seems a pretty nice guy. He mentions something about a drink. I could do with one of them. I suggest a curry to Ste and he seems to be into the idea. Amy's away so it will be a good chance for us to just hang out and maybe allow ourselves, even for just one night, to drift back to the way things were before… it all fell apart. The horrible image of my ex-boyfriend, the man I thought I loved with his arms around not just another man, but the evil, manipulative bastard that caused me to lose my baby comes back to me. If it were just some other bloke I'd be able to get over it, but Brendan? Is Ste turning into a total nutter?

"Don't worry Bren, we weren't talking about you."

"Phew."

Please don't tell me these two are mates.

Perhaps Pete knows about Brendan's even bigger secrets, because he must have some. If Pete has known Brendan this long, surely he must know Brendan's gay?

I tell myself to stop thinking about all this and try to get away from the situation, from Brendan as quickly as possible. I leave Ste to head off to work and make my way over to the shop.

In the shop, I pick up the curries and look through a selection of wines and choose a nice Rosé. I hand the cashier the money and head back home with the plan to do a bit of tidying up before Ste's shift is over. I'm so glad I moved back in. It felt a bit cold and lonesome living in the flat with the guys. Even though they were a bunch of proper decent lads it just wasn't the same without Ste. I wanted to hate him for lying to me and choosing the sadistic prick over me but it was just too easy to forgive him because deep down he's a kind and caring guy.

Outside the shop I spot Brendan. Is he following me or what? Has he got nothing better to do than stand around pretending to read a newspaper while he comes up with creepy ways to threaten or attack passers by that he's got issues with? He starts asking me about Pete as if I'm friends with the guy. I barely know him, I just met him! I tell him this. He's obviously got some dirt on Brendan and Brendan's trying to hide it. Does he honestly think I'm gonna help him by reporting back everything Pete said? I make a mental note to try and find out what Pete knows about him for myself. It could be interesting.

I start preparing the dinner and when Ste finally gets back I see he's got some DVDs with him. He asks me what's wrong as I'm not particularly talkative but I've just been thinking about my Nana and it's made me feel quite sad about the fact that I can't help her out with some money. Maybe I should get another job.

Ste says he'll think about sorting something out for her. I smile at him sweetly, not being able to hide my admiration of him. I almost can't believe how someone so vulnerable, barely able to take care of himself can be so considerate to other people, looking out for them when they're in trouble. It just doesn't make sense.

Ste starts reading the description on one of the DVD cases. Watching him read it is so sweet, he looks like he's concentrating so hard. I shouldn't be thinking like this. I'm surprised I've cooled down about everything him and Brendan have done to me already.

I quickly choose the romcom. The gangster one sounds shit and would probably remind me too much of that Brendan and the damage he's done to my life and relationship with Ste. We walk over to the sofa and I see the wine's gone down. Ste seems pretty excited about our night in together. To be honest I am too, but I just know that we can't be together at the moment and that's it. And so I tell him, carefully, just in case he's thinking the same thing.

"I hope you're not gonna get the wrong idea about tonight," I say as Ste tucks in hungrily.

"What do you mean?" Ste replies, sounding a bit sad. I sit down next to him but suddenly feel a little too close and start to shift around a bit.

"It's just…It's not a way of trying to get back with you, it's just to confirm we're mates, that's all." Again, I feel sad as I reveal this to Ste. It feels like I'm actually confirming to myself that we're only mates, not to Ste.

"I know. I didn't think it was anything more than a DVD and a take away anyway." Is that a sad face or a confused face from Ste? I can't quite tell. He sounds as though he doesn't care. Like he doesn't need me anymore because he's moved on and he's got Brendan. The thought makes me feel sick. I try to forget all this and settle down to watch the film.

"Good." I reply.

…

Ste's phone goes off… Oh great it's Brendan. Agitated, I tell Ste to remind Brendan it's his night off. If their relationship is what Ste says it is and they're only employee, employer then it shouldn't be a problem should it? He shuts his phone and puts it down which makes me settle back down a bit.

Not even 10 minutes later his phone goes off again. It better not be Brendan again…it is. And again. AND AGAIN! What the fuck! Can Ste really not see what Brendan's trying to do? He gets upset when I tell him he's being stupid and naïve. I'm sorry Ste but it's the truth. Why can't he just listen to me for once and stay away from the dickhead? Why can't he just see for once what Brendan really is. I apologise to him for calling him stupid and his phone goes off one last time before he switches it off thankfully.

He gets up to get another bottle of fizz and leaves me to watch the film on my own for a bit. It's not as nice without his warmth here next to me. Why can't every night be like this? How did my life get in such a mess?

…

Three knocks at the door. That can't be Ste back already. And why would he knock on his own door? Can't be Pete either he said he was coming down a bit later than this. The knocking sounded ominous…maybe it's…

I hear a voice. I was right. It's Brendan, for fucks sake why can't he just leave us alone for once. What does he want now? I ask him from behind the door. He suddenly opens the letter box flap and looks through it up and right into my eyes. I'd never admit it out loud but that proper freaked me out. A guy I know looking through a letter box on a locked and bolted door at me freaked me out. Never thought I'd see it happening.

He says he wants Steven to go to work. It's our night off for fucks sake who the hell does he think he is? He threatens to sack Ste and my blood starts to boil. I throw open the door and my eyes meet his, I look at him in all his leather clad moustachioed sinister glory. I wouldn't normally do it but I gather up the courage which is fuelled by all the anger that's been building up over Ste's affair and everything Brendan's done, and I tell him once and for all flat out that his threats don't scare me. It's a lie of course but they say that standing up to the bully makes them back down a bit if you act like you're not scared. He doesn't say much, just rolls his eyes around everywhere in the weirdest way I've ever seen anyone do. I think quickly and counter him by threatening to tell Warren the truth about him. It obviously has an effect as he looks up and his eyes go huge…my cue to shut the door right in his face.

Well that made my night actually.


End file.
